|
|
Apr. 25th, 2010 @ 04:48 pm
|
|---|
|
i hate myself sometimes.
i hate the way i behave, especially when it's not true to how i feel.
i'm writing this down so i can't forget, or pretend like i forget.
i will stop flirting with boys who mean nothing, because dan's really important. i will stop acting a fool when i already have what i want. i am done. i cannot do this to myself over and over again because i'm only hurting myself in the end.
i hate myself sometimes.Current Moood:  aggravated |
|
|
Apr. 19th, 2010 @ 11:02 pm
|
|---|
|
november, december, january.
things got better in january.
they've remained better since.
it was weird, i went through spells, and i realized more often then not that i desperately missed you. you were gone, and i felt like there was no way to retrieve what i had, what i wanted to have again so badly. i cried until january, i lost 15 pounds, i could hardly leave my bed let alone eat, i tried to move on and for a short period of time i felt like i successfully did so. then i realized all over again how much i needed you.
it was weird, i've never really needed anyone before. i need my family, sometimes i need food, and i like booze (although i definitely don't need it). but with you, it was different, because without you i was lost. well, i guess i was pretty found after a while, i realized more about myself then anyone could imagine, but in the end after all my finding i re-found how much i needed you to be more, and how i needed to be more for you.
you were gone, and spiteful, and sometimes just plain rude and i couldn't put my finger on any of your behavior, well i could, but i thought it was crazy. i knew you loved me, that you were in love with me and that maybe, you were scared of what you were feeling. but you were rude, and argued with me constantly, and told me how over us you were, how you couldn't stand to be with me, and i cried. i cried for a long time, because it was so hard for me to be away from you, and i tried so hard to get you to see what you'd become. how you used to hate to make me cry. how you used to hate to make me upset.
and then, just like that, after all the anger and mean heartedness and sadness, january rolled around and we were us again. and somehow, you went back to you. i've stopped crying, i've stopped being angry and mopey, and i've never loved so deeply before. and you, you understand me, and try so hard to make me happy, and you succeed so much, and i know how much you love me, how much you are in love with me.
i never really knew how much i could love a person until that person disappeared, and then reappeared.
and now, may will roll around and you will love to knoxville. and then 2-1/2 years of my life being consumed with spending time with one sole person has the possibility of disappearing again.
i'm scared, and worried, and anxious. but i guess we'll have to wait and see where may takes us. |
|
|
Nov. 2nd, 2009 @ 12:17 pm
|
|---|
|
Things I didn’t like about you:
-how you never wanted to hold hands in public
-how everything was constantly about you
-you’re the most self absorbed person i’ve ever met
-you only listen to the brian jonestown massacre
-you never treated your mom the way she deserved to be treated
-you were never that funny
-you were cocky about your ability to make me have an orgasm
-you didn’t care enough when i cried
-you’d never take care of me when i drank too much, in fact you’d belittle me
-you made me sad all the time. almost constantly.
-you had a unibrow
-you had a rat tail
-you could never admit that you were wrong.
-your apologies never seemed sincere
-you never seemed to care enough.
-you weren’t entertained by the things i was entertained by
-your artwork isn’t that original or intriguing
-i never thought you were that smart, as in, i’m pretty sure you pulled a lot of stuff out of your ass
-you didn’t understand emotions or how to handle them
-all you ever wanted to do was fish, when all i wanted to do was be with you.
-how you left when things were just getting good. |
|
|
Oct. 29th, 2009 @ 12:59 pm
|
|---|
|
of course, it all hits you like a sack of rocks right in the stomach.
i wish you were a cock sucker and that i could hate you.
but i can't.
it's hard to sleep at night,
and i've already lost 5 pounds because i can't eat. |
|
|
Oct. 24th, 2009 @ 04:31 pm
|
|---|
|
and just like that it was all over.
i thought that i'd be more upset, i thought that it would be difficult for me to look at anyone else.
but instead of missing you, i'm watching lil' wayne videos, and i imagine i'd get more out of dating him then the two years you and i were "in love".
i almost wish that this was harder for me,
not saying that i won't ever miss you,
but you were self absorbed. you are self absorbed.
i know that i'll meet someone (maybe even lil' wayne) who loves me more then you ever did,
and i know that i'll meet someone who treats me the way i deserve to be treated.
because i'm great, i know i am.
i know that i deserve better.
and i know that you'll realize at some point that breaking up wasn't necessarily the most rational decision,
and that i'm happier with someone else then i'd ever been with you.
it's nice to not be sad,
and to flirt with boys without worrying about you.
i'm done worrying about a boy who has no worry for anyone else but himself.
i need to get another tattoo. sooner rather then later. |
|
|
Oct. 19th, 2009 @ 02:18 pm
|
|---|
|
i don’t have any real reason to worry about anything, and yet all i do is concern myself with everything.
my flip-flipped world is sending me in circles, round and round i go until i drop and nobody notices, and i sit on the floor only wishing that i was a little more myself rather then trying to be what everybody else needs |
|
|
May. 19th, 2009 @ 05:03 pm
|
|---|
|
patrick ritt is gone and i miss him more and more every minute.
i miss my patrick patrick ritt. |
|
|
Mar. 17th, 2009 @ 11:14 am
|
|---|
|
phew.
i'm glad things worked out. he's been improving, and i've been smiling non-stop. i'm almost glad we had that argument, that spat, because i feel like we're better then we've ever been. he listens more attentively, and i haven't been upset with him since then. we might move in together for the summer, which i'm excited about. i practically live here now, i would just have more of my belongings. i hope he stays in alfred with me, i don't know that i could bare being away from him for 3 months. i could hardly stand not seeing him over spring break. |
|
|
Feb. 22nd, 2009 @ 11:57 am
|
|---|
|
i cried last night.
for a hot minute but i still cried.
i can't understand what compels you to act certain ways when i'm around.
makes me curious how you act when i'm not around.
i know that that girl doesn't mean a thing,
that you weren't interested,
that you're in love with me.
i know these things.
but i expect equal respect,
i want it.
i deserve it.
i am not alright with you grabbing other girls,
i am not alright with you acting like i don't exist at parties until you're drunk,
i am not alright with the world seeing how you behave, while i stand baffled never having seen it before.
it was embarrassing, and something that i wouldn't have expected from the boy i sleep with most nights.
i cried last night because you broke my heart.
i'm crying right now because you don't understand why.
i will cry whenever i think about this situation because you have ruined my view of you.
for so long i've felt so lucky,
and now i doubt i've ever felt so hurt.
one year down, i can't imagine how many more left.
you won't change, you will continue to be this way, and i won't hang around pretending that i'm alright. |
|
|
Nov. 24th, 2008 @ 07:02 pm
|
|---|
|
i leave for home tomorrow. i love thanksgiving. i love home mostly though.
gabi and jamey boy are there.
peter flies in tomorrow.
i fly in at night.
malena's off in some foreign country. booo..
i hate flying, but i know that it's worth it to be with the people i love more then anything and anyone else.
also: i will actually be coming to texas over christmas break. i'll be talking to my mother and figuring out the dates over break, and i can't wait. i miss angie. and michael. and arran. and jenna. but most of all, angie. |
|
|
Sep. 20th, 2008 @ 03:24 pm
|
|---|
|
i forgot that i even had a journal.
school is fab, busy as fuck. all i do is rush around. this is my first time sitting in my room by myself. well, with samson and raphie (my addddorable mice). brittany and tim are here constantly, and i practically live at dan's, so it's nice to be somewhere by myself.
i have a shit ton of work to do this weekend.
1. write my art history paper on Fiona Rae, a fantastic abstract painter. should be easy, considering it's only supposed to be 2 pages double spaced, i just have no idea what i'm going to say.
2. work on my first etching (yay!) acid etchings look like so much fun, gah i can't wait to start it. i need to start it.
3. print another print of my newly cut woodblock. consider doing a second wood block with a background on it?
4. handbuilding. handbuilding. and more damn handbuilding. it's actually pretty cool though, so i'm excited to start working on it. 10 cylindrical forms out of the 16 plaster molds we made, 5 have to me of other peoples. oooof i can't wait.
5. build wooden box for mouse maze.
my bicycle rocks my world, although some DOUCHEBAG pushed it over while it was carefully resting in a locked up bicycle stand. poor bike, i'm going to put a bandaide over it's scrape. brand spanking new, and some DOUCHEBAG had to go and be a DOUCHEBAG and push my babes.
dan and i are wonderful, he's wonderful. i couldn't be happier, even with his diiisgusting rat tail.
world, please say hello to samson.
 |
|
|
Jul. 11th, 2008 @ 05:35 pm
|
|---|
|
golly. let me list my life right this second.
1. i am gut-wrenchingly in love with a boy.
2. i am happier then i've ever been.
3. i can't wait for school to start back up.
4. i will be making my very own, real art.
5. i am making bank right now.
6. i am happy for you.
7. i am about to drink DISGUSTING BEER. literally, disgusting. no. seriously.
8. i wanted to make it an even number. and am about to call mr. burgess.
funny how the world keeps spinning round and round, even when you feel like it's stopped. guess that's how things go. |
|
|
Jun. 11th, 2008 @ 06:53 pm
|
|---|
|
i have a head ache.
a horrible, raging head ache that will shortly be cured by drinking beer alone, painting my nails, and reading another book.
i'll be going on my 4th one in 3 weeks.
1. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie
2. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon
3. The Mysteries of Pittsburgh by Michael Chabon
4. I'm not entirely sure yet...
i just finished my second Michael Chabon novel- highly recommend him. HIGHLY. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay broke my heart 1000x's, but god... it's so worth reading it. i'm going to go through it again and re-remember my favorite parts of this book. while i was reading i was: frustrated, angry, sobbing hysterically, laughing, getting that gut wrenching feeling thinking "i want that relationship, i want to be rosa and josef", moving constantly, ignoring crying babies hoping they'd stop their nonsense, and wishing i could write like this man.
i remember a time when i hated reading, not even all that long ago. actually, there was a VERY RECENT time (about 3 1/2 weeks ago) when i didn't think i'd pick up a book and enjoy it nearly as much as other things that were happening around me, but to be utterly and completely honest- i think these books are the only things are keeping me sane. that and the late night phone calls i get from my man.
i am in love, pretty damned sure of it. helplessly and hopelessly in love. |
|
|
May. 17th, 2008 @ 11:07 am
|
|---|
|
dear online journal (aka rangie),
i regret watching the movie atonement because i can't stop crying my eyes out. in fact right this second i'm at the airport and i'm forcing back tears. DO NOT and i repeat DO NOT watch it unless you really seriously want to never be able to stop crying. because it's similar to cyrano but WORSE, WORSE I TELL YOU.
just things to keep in mind, the awfulness that is horribly gut wrentching depressing movies.
never again, never ever again.
love,
alexis
i also left dan for the summer the other day. yuck, my stomach's all out of whack and i miss him. but what can ya do? it happens. i'm surprised i still want something to do with him, it's been a full 4 months, and i still can't get enough dan lovin'. good sign, i suppose, as good as you can hope for. i rode on his handle bars the other day, and i didn't die. as far as i'm concerned: things are perfect.
i am moving to dc for the summer where i will carefully watch after two youngins and wait for friends to hang with me over the weekends. it's almost been a full year since i've seen anyone from frisco. i miss my peeps. rangie, please visit soon. |
|
|
Apr. 28th, 2008 @ 09:44 pm
|
|---|
|
i can never really be angry at this boy.
nope, he's too nice to be mad at.
it's hard to be upset when he apologizes, because i can't keep that level up when he looks so sincere.
i wrote my last entry about you today, and man, i've realized how much healthier this is. how much healthier he is for me. he is my guy. my main squeeeeze. i'm honestly hardly attracted to anything else, no matter who it is, because he's just so great. yepp, this girl is happy.
i loved hot dog day, and all of the itty bitty jean shorts that the boys were wearing. |
|
|
Apr. 16th, 2008 @ 12:12 am
|
|---|
|
friday's supposed to have a high of 77 degrees. AH.
i can't even imagine how full of life this weekend will be. |
|
|
Apr. 15th, 2008 @ 11:59 pm
|
|---|
|
i am happy.
this summer i will be moving to dc to hang out with my older sister, and i know that we'll have a lovely time.
oh, and hot dog day is in t-minus 2 weekends, ahh!
i'm not sure where he and i will end, if we'll end before summer comes. that decision will be made in the matter of weeks. i hope he doesn't stop where we're at, i enjoy him and his company quite a bit. quite a lot, actually. i like to think about holding his hand, and the way he curled when his stomach hurt, maybe even the way he gets handsy as soon as alcohol's put into his system, i can't choose my favorite bc they're all pretty nice thoughts.
wow, i looked at a picture of us today. what the hell was i thinking? what THE HELL was i thinking?
i am scattered and tired. softworks is going to CONSUME me very, very shortly. i'm sensing some pretty long nights around the corner. sewing, knitting. crocheting, sewing, sewing, making something that i enjoy. angie to didn't even talk smack about what i was making, infact she told me that she wasn't worried, so did robin howard. how lovely. i'm not as bad at "art" as i've always thought, and this semester has proved it. even in figure drawing, the teachers have told me that my drawings are "quite lovely". we'll see how it all pans out in the final crit, but i'm feeling good about what i've done. really, really good.
i have to write 9 journals for women in society by tomorrow. yikes!
i sign up for studios tomorrow, and i have my classes for next year.
intro. to dance.
art history
art history discussion
studio A (print, painting, handbuilding, photography?!)
studio B (")
drawing (abstraction of observation? something like that)
i love my schedule. no real classes, yay! no waking up before 10:20, yay!
goodnight, i'm sleepy after sunshine, stirfry, clean laundry, softworks, cuddling before class, late arrival to class, no alcohol (!), knowing i'll be living in the brick next year, a quick shower, and the avoidance of the women in society homework (ew). things are better then i could have imagined them being. i love alfred, so, so much. i couldn't have picked a better school, no sir 're. nothing out there could have made me happier. |
|
|
Mar. 27th, 2008 @ 10:23 pm
|
|---|
|
today i tore apart the last picture i had of us together.
i never liked your smile anyways.
it was liberating, this uplifting feeling just took me over.
you are officially a faint memory, and soon your face will disappear with the rest that i'm forgetting.
i'm okay with it.
i'm honestly okay with letting it all go now.
i've held on, clutched and devoured whatever i could for so long, and now it's time that i finally just say goodbye for good.
i'm no longer bitter or resentful towards you.
i'm no longer hurt by what you did.
i'm no longer unhappy for you, by any means.
i am different, and we wouldn't even fit anymore- if we fit in the first place.
i'm sorry to say that i don't know if i loved you, i don't understand why i insisted that i did.
maybe that's just the person that i am, but i feel good.
so fucking great, to just know that it's finally all over, and that picture was a marker of it.
i'm not hiding it behind my bed post anymore, hoping to forget that it exists.
it's gone, just like you, and our friendship, and now i've moved on with someone new.
good luck, you were never as bad as i made you sound.
nyc was amazing, we saw the MOST BAD ASS OLD SCHOOL HIPPITY HOPPERS! they walked by in full out 80's garb with an old school boom box and everything playing loud old will smith music! it was great. amazing really, ana maria died to finally find someone else stuck in the wrong decade. it was fantastic!
dear rangie- i talked about you a ridiculous amount today. i miss you like... a bumble bee misses... pollen? yah. pollen.
last night i got drunkish and then started allowing the ubber girl come out of me when i was with dan. i started being upset because i'd never grow again? yes world, that's what i complain about, the fact that i won't grow ever again. and then he tried to say that he understood bc he used to be tiny too, and for some reason i wouldn't allow him to complain bc "he grew" bc "he didn't have to be short for the rest of his life". hahahaha it must have been so hard to take me seriously.Current Moood:  content |
|
|
Mar. 19th, 2008 @ 06:29 pm
|
|---|
|
this month marks the month in which i realize that i have known you for one year. one, solid year. at this time one year ago, i was wondering when you were going to call me, if you were going to call me, and other nonsense. it was pretty much nonsense.
aw well, moving on feels good. i just need to acknowledge that you used to exist in my life, and you used to be a relatively big part of it. a big part of it when i was 17, and young, and silly. not saying that i'm older and wiser now, but i do have my head put on a little straighter.
i'm happier now though, and i don't doubt it for a second. i'm especially happier with dan. it's fantastic.
peace out old me, goodbye to old you. i'm really ready to say goodbye to everything that i remember you for. the memories aren't what i thought they were anymore. |
|
|
Feb. 28th, 2008 @ 08:02 pm
|
|---|
|
things are fantastic.
yep, they certainly are.
foundations is going really well, i feel like i actually belong in art school at this point. so it's nice. it's nice to feel some sort of reason for being here, god i can't wait for next year. here's what i'm thinking for studios..
1. printmaking (definitely printmaking)
2. painting!
3. wheel or maybe hand building, one of the two for sure
4. photography
5. ... maybe video? maybe graphic design?
those are what i'm thinking for now, but they're likely to change. not the printmaking studio though, i'm doing that for sure.
my friends are great, we're trying to decide who all we want to live with in the suite next year. i couldn't be happier with the people that i spend my time with at this point. elena and i are getting along roommate wise, we have a pretty sweeeet set up, and have managed to kind of turn our room into the place where people "hang out", although i hate the dirty dishes that comes with that. i hate dirty dishes in my room.
i'm seeing someone, and he's... god, he's great. that's all i can really say about him. his name's dan (ha ha, i know) but i can't even really explain how much i enjoy spending time with him. he's older, of course, a senior engineer student and a sophmore art student, but it's a nice fit as of right now. it's still pretty early into whatever we are, but it's pleasant and easy, and comfortable. he's reliable! and intelligent! gee golly, an intelligent guy? an intelligent, hottie of man with a totally kickin' tush. who likes soccer. and to drink tea. and to shower. and who makes my stomach jump almost constantly. i can swear on this fact, swear the fuck out of it, i haven't ever been as happy with a "relationship" as i am with this one. i've never liked a boy as much as him, i can't find a fault with him at all.
so needless to say, life is as perfect as it could be. nice life, good grades, fun art, hottie of a man, LOVELY friends, and a comfortable bed.
broken social scene canceled on us for hot dog day.... errrr. frustrating, yes, luckily i got to see them a bit ago in pittsburgh, but it's still annoying. i don't know who we'll be able to get at this point, hopefully someone good. PLEASE LET US GET SOMEONE GOOD. probably won't matter much, i'll be drunk, but still. i'd like to see a good concert that weekend.Current Music: the islands |
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
a_past_we_left's journal